Alright, the first week went smoothly and I almost made it through week 2 with ease. But I had my first breakdown this morning. Well, really last night as I was falling asleep but it carried over into this morning.
Yesterday was tough on me. I had a meeting at night so I was gone 5:30pm-10pm. I was fortunate enough to be able to leave at 3:30pm to pick up Hailey so I could get a bit of time with her.
I’m so thankful I had that time because going back to work after I had been home playing with her was tough.
She’s been clingy in the evenings since I’ve been back to work. It’s been getting a bit better day by day. But as soon as she realized I was leaving she started screaming and reaching for me and my husband had to literally pry her off of me as she was holding on for dear life.
Back to work I went.
She was already in bed by the time I got home. All I wanted to do was go in and watch her sleep but the moment I walked in her room she stirred so I quickly ran out.
I did get up to nurse her during the night and it felt normal for me again until I went to put her back in the crib. She rolled over and looked up at me sucking her thumb.
I found myself wanting to talk to her and play with her. Danger danger! The warning bells went off in my head. Get out while you still can or she won’t go back to sleep!
So I did.
That’s when I had my breakdown.
I just wanted to spend time with her. But I couldn’t.
This morning we were running a bit behind schedule and my husband offered to drop Hailey off at her grandparents’ place.
I didn’t want him to. I just wanted to keep her home with me a bit longer.
But he was offering to help and I sort of feel obligated to take his help when he offers because I want him to continue to offer to help.
So as he put her in her car seat I just sat there and started crying.
I miss my baby.
I miss being home with her. And playing with her.
So here I am, writing this post instead of getting ready for work. Now I’m for sure going to be late but in all fairness, I worked until 10pm last night so I have some flexibility with my start time today.
And I’m lucky that my boss is pretty understanding. He told me before I came back that it was going to be tough and if I needed to take extra time to do it.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
My priorities have shifted and working evenings is apparently much harder on me emotionally now that I have a baby to come home to. But I can’t get rid of my evening meetings (as long as I’m at this job).
I also have the bonus that my projects are all still in transition. This means that I’m not scrambling like a mad woman at work yet and can take a bit more time off without causing me added stress.
So that’s my strategy.
I’ve been blessed with a crap-load of vacation time to use. I’m going to start taking one day off every week or two to have some extra time with Hailey.
I may as well. Life is too short.