I was about 7 weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. At first it was light and I wondered if it was simply spotting. But the next day it got worse.
I went to the doctor expecting her to tell me one way or the other if I was still pregnant. Instead, she told me I had to do blood work over the next couple of days and she would let me know on Thursday. It was Monday.
I expected to find out that day if my baby had died. That had been the worst possible outcome I imagined as I had entered the doctor’s appointment that day. I hadn’t realized I would have to spend another 4 days worrying, wondering, waiting.
This answer was much worse. My husband and I were left alone with our own imaginations running rampant for the better part of a week.
Sunday/Monday had been spent in fear and tears. I knew I didn’t want to spend my week like this. I took some immediate steps that made my week bearable and in fact mostly enjoyable despite what was going on.
Step 1 – I took Monday off of work. I was in no shape to be around others and would have likely burst into tears if anyone said “hey, how are you today?” I also doubted my ability to focus on anything else.
Step 2 – I scheduled the doctor’s appointment for the morning and an appointment for energy work in the afternoon. One would help me figure out what was going on. The other would help me deal with what was going on. I needed all of the help I could get.
Step 3 – I took Hailey to her grandparents as usual. I needed my space and Hailey would have way more fun with them. She didn’t need to be around an emotional disaster all day.
Step 4 – The hours by myself (my husband went to work aside from accompanying me to the doctors) could have been spent curled up on the couch crying. And I did do some of that. But I didn’t want to spend my day in grief. I let myself cry when I felt like it but didn’t let my thoughts spiral me downwards out of control. I didn’t try to come up with endless ‘what if’ scenarios.
It was a sunny day and I love sitting outside reading in the sun – something I have rarely done since Hailey has come into our lives. This is how I spent a good chunk of my time that day.
Step 5 – I went to see a lady who does reiki, crystal therapy, and can connect to the spiritual world.
I went to her not with the expectation that she would provide confirmation of a miscarriage one way or the other but rather that she could settle me down and enable me to function coherently during our week of waiting.
During our session she couldn’t confirm whether I was still pregnant. I was not meant to know at that time, which I already knew because I didn’t have a strong feeling one way or the other as to how this would go. Usually I do.
She did say that the baby’s spirit wasn’t far which meant I was either still pregnant or that my next pregnancy would happen fairly quickly and it would be with the same spirit.
It was comforting to me to know that if I did lose the baby it would only be in a physical way. Telling me that I’m going to get pregnant again within a few months was a happy thought.
Step 6 – Sometimes it’s better to believe what you want to believe if it makes you feel better. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. That’s a hard concept to grasp for most people.
For example, I was told that my labour with Hailey would be short and in actuality it was very long (30+ hours). But I needed to believe going into it that it would be short. I would have been stressed and overwhelmed if I had been told it would be the better part of 2 days. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter how long it was. The belief just reduced my stress levels.
I left my appointment noticeably calmer. Even noticeable by my husband. I’m so thankful I made that appointment because the 4 days of waiting didn’t bother me. It was annoying having to wait but I was oddly calm about it. My husband on the other hand was unraveling at the seams as each day passed.
Step 7 – Where I chose to direct my thoughts impacted how I felt. During the week I googled signs of miscarriages hoping to figure out for myself what was going on. Then, sick of being worried, I googled examples of women who get their period while pregnant.
It was all about choosing thoughts to make me sad or happy.
I couldn’t control anything else. I couldn’t control whether we would lose this baby. I couldn’t control when we would find out the news. But I could control my emotions to a certain degree by choosing what to think, what I researched, and what I chose to believe.
Step 8 – I allowed myself to cry when I felt like it. I allowed myself to believe that I was still pregnant. I gave myself permission to feel the full range of emotions without judging myself for it. Judging thoughts of “don’t get your hopes up” or “there’s no point on crying yet” didn’t enter the picture. I was oddly compassionate toward myself.
The doctor’s office failed to call on Thursday and their phones were conveniently down in the evening so we couldn’t call them.
Friday morning I was able to get through and we received confirmation that we had a miscarriage.
I’m glad my husband and I were together when we found out.
It was a weird week of waiting, flip flopping back and forth between grief and hope. Finally, we could grieve.
I still went to work that Friday. I considered staying home but didn’t see the point. I felt good enough to work. I was also excited for a co-worker who would be announcing her massive promotion that day. The day was one of celebration with intermittent crying moments behind my closed office door. Overall, it was a good day.
Even during the week of waiting, I could already see some benefits resulting from this experience.
Going through losing a baby gave me confirmation that my beliefs are strong and rooted deeply within me. It’s one thing for me to say those things having never gone through it and another thing for me to experience something terrible and still believe.
2) My husband was there for me in a way I didn’t know was possible. He made it his top priority to come with me to the doctor and then for blood work. He often shuts down when faced with overwhelming situations but instead he stepped up and faced what we were going through head on.
Over the week, I watched him unravel. I watch him be emotional like I’ve never seen before. I watched him be scared and vulnerable. We talked a lot about our beliefs and why we wanted a baby.
This experience has brought us closer together.
3) I was far more compassionate toward myself then I’ve ever been in the past. I’ve been working on my inner monologue for quite some time and I reaped the benefits over this week.
I’m thankful I was able to let myself feel everything – good and bad – without judgement. I hoped my baby would be ok without telling myself that I was stupid for getting my hopes up. Even when I found out our baby had died I didn’t judge myself for believing it was a possibility all week that our baby might still be alive.
I embraced the sadness when it came. I didn’t tell myself to suck it up. I didn’t try to make myself feel better. I made space for the sadness and loved myself anyways.
4) I knew that the miscarriage was not my fault. I felt no guilt and still don’t to this day. I am beyond grateful for this. I couldn’t imagine questioning myself and blaming myself and hating myself on top of everything else.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Hailey I knew no matter what happened Hailey was going to be perfectly healthy. I didn’t worry about her while I was pregnant.
This pregnancy was different. I didn’t have that initial feeling. Instead, I kept asking my husband whether he thought this baby would make it. I didn’t have a strong sense one way or the other. The same was true during our week of waiting. I really believed that it could go either way.
I was gardening the day before the bleeding started. At one point a voice in my head told me to stop. My immediate response was that’s ridiculous. I wasn’t tired or stressed. Stop Lindsay. I listened.
These warnings came several times during the pregnancy and I’m thankful I listened every time. Because I listened, I can look back and know that I did everything I could have to make the pregnancy successful. I think if I had disregarded those voices I would have always wondered ‘what if’.
Thankfully, listening to myself is a skill I’ve developed over a number of years and this was an extra lesson about the importance of trusting my instincts. It didn’t give me a successful pregnancy but it did give me peace of mind knowing that I truly could not have done anything to prevent this loss.
I remember listening to an Abraham-Hicks audio about a year ago about death and the harsher experiences we face during our life. They said before we enter this lifetime we lay out some of the elements we want to experience. From that pre-life perspective, death is no big deal because in that moment we are already dead. We might know that it’ll be difficult but we also know it isn’t the end of the world because we would simply be losing our bodies. Our spirits would still live and in that context there’s no such thing as death.
So I may have had a conversation before this lifetime with this baby saying “Hey, why don’t we have a miscarriage. It would fun because it would give me a new perspective on something.”
Even though this goes against what we’re taught to believe about death I will go back to choosing what to believe. And this concept provides me with comfort.
Although I can’t say I’ve been having fun with this experience, the idea is in the back of my mind and I find myself encouraging myself to lighten up and that this is no big deal. There’s no such thing as death.