I have had the unfortunate experience of personally dealing with a miscarriage. I have also had several friends who have gone through similar experiences. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone and that others experience the same thing. However, it can be dangerous to compare our situation and emotions to what we see others going through.
Most of the people I know, including myself, had an early miscarriage. However, several have lost a baby later on during the pregnancy.
It was easy to look at these friends, family members, and acquaintances and count my blessings. However, as I was feeling intense grief and moments of depression, I felt like I shouldn’t be feeling that way. What I had just gone through paled in comparison to what others had gone through.
I was reminded of these feelings as I was having a conversation with a friend who is in the process of dealing with a miscarriage.
As I listened to her story she used similar language to what I used when I was going through the same thing. “I’m glad it wasn’t further along.” “I don’t know why I’m crying.” “I can’t imagine what so-and-so went through.” “I know I’m lucky that didn’t happen to me.” “I know it’s not as bad as….”
She was trying to dismiss her grief (or talk herself out of it).
I remembered doing the same thing. However, one of the most important lessons I learned through my experience dealing with a miscarriage was the following:
It doesn’t matter the situation or what you’ve experienced. Grief is grief.
It’s a feeling.
It doesn’t matter why you are feeling the way you do (I mean this in the nicest way possible). The situation that brought you to that feeling isn’t important in terms of moving on. You can’t go back and change it.
All you can do is deal with your emotions in the present moment and move on.
What’s important is how you move forward from where you are now. You can move forward from any dark and depressing situation.
You don’t have to go back and relive why it happened and what went wrong. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it or compare yourself to others and wonder if how you’re feeling is normal.
You just have to deal with your feelings as they are in the present moment and move on. And there’s no timeline, no rush.
Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. Allow yourself to experience your emotions fully. Show yourself compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Be with your dark thoughts as long as you need to. They are useful and shouldn’t be dismissed. Love yourself anyways. Forgive yourself. Then move on.
It will get better. Everything does with a little bit of time and love.